2012-05-05 - 12:19 a.m.
Looking back on my last entry, was a healthy reminder. Minor update: post burning man everything went back to normal, more to the point, it was good again.
Now it's been over a year since we started dating and for a slew of reasons I find myself upset. A while ago she told me she had lingering doubts that I was the right person to be a serious partner. At the time I laughed and took it more as a challenge. That all changed tonight though.
We're getting ready for a short trip and I asked her to pick up one thing so I wouldn't have to go back to the store for a third time. She ends up pushing the task back on me, in an irritable mood, and asks me when I'll be picking them up. I told her I didn't know as I hadn't taken the time to look it up yet which further increased the tension. This continued on until I said "I regret this" which she responded to with "fine, next time don't come". I'm getting specific here because this was a key moment for me, this was the first time I ever thought "what a bitch". I'd never thought something so negative about her before, and it lead to a cascade of negative, even hateful, thoughts. Suddenly, everything she ever said to me was cast in a new light: her thinking I might not be the right person turned into, I'm not good enough for her (which hurts much more when faced honestly). Her comment about her being too much of a distraction for me became, what has she added to my life? More things to do and what? A person I love more than I've ever loved before, but who can't return the confidence I have in her.
I started feeling like I've wasted the past year, all the self doubt I've been bypassing all these years comes back at me full force. I hate my life now, I want wild change, to be gone, to do something stupid. I even entertain blatantly illegal thoughts, wanting to tweak the tiger's tail and see where I end up.
Eventually, I start thinking about how long I've been out of work. I try to retroactively rationalize by thinking I want her to choose me for me, not for the job I have. That doesn't fly though, I do want that, but not enough to self sabotage myself, at least I don't think so. Then I think back to all the articles I've read about people who go through long term unemployment, and how mental damaging it is for them. At the time i was thinking "glad I'm not like that". It strikes me, during these years of instability I've become exactly like that. I'm lost... that maybe the truest thing I've written tonight. All this time I've been confident about my future, knowing something will go right for me. The truth may be that I'm so desperate for it to go right I'm ruining my chances.
I miss feeling like a real adult. It was so nice not to always be worried about money, to be able to sit back and enjoy life, instead of always calculating the value and utility of everything. OH! And then on top of all this I have the looming pressure to find a new home. I haven't moved anywhere in over 4 years and it's scary not knowing where I'm going to end up.
This has been cathartic. I haven't managed to find any sort of conclusion here but I feel calmer and confident in the future again.
On a unrelated note. Reading a sarcastic article about a post gender normative man trying to pick up a woman, the man states, "I curse my mother, who is an otherwise lovely human person, for not buying me an Easy-Bake Oven when I was younger." I am struck by the realization that my mom did buy me a Easy-bake Oven, and I'm fairly sure I asked for it. Read into that as you please.